«Bangkok Nightlife - Minus the Chickens | Main | Dick Valiant: Professional Bangkok Manwhore »

Viagra Shakedown

Posted by Lance Powers

This evening I was speeding home on a moto taxi after enjoying a whiskey circle outside the 7-11 with some of my pals in the orange vests. As me and Bun raced my drunk ass home we noticed the cops outside my soi were having a small gathering of their own. They told the driver to pull over and literally pulled me off the bike and put up against a wall for a good old fashioned body search. This was a complete buzzkill. One officer, who was clearly looking for a good time, rambled through my jeans and copped a couple of cheap feels while the man in charge asked the usual questions:

Big cop: So what are you doing?
Lance: Just went to 7-11 for some cigarettes.
Big cop: Do you speak Thai?
(Rummaging through my old and completely full passport his eyebrows raising)
Lance: Uhh, no not really well.
Big cop: You been here 4 years and you don't speak Thai?
Lance: Oh, well I put Thai dai but mai geng sir.
Big cop: So what are you doing in Thailand so long?
Lance: It's a bit of an extended holiday.
Big cop: Huh?
Lance: I'm a tourist.
Big cop: C'mon 4 years on holiday?
Lance: well to be honest I have a girlfriend here and we had a baby. Now I take care of her and her mother. I like to eat spicy food and my home country is very cold. Pom luk munthai.
5 Cops (in Unison): Ahhh.

At this point my worst nightmare was realized as one of the cops who had been going through my personal effects and groping my crotch found pay dirt. A half eaten red cialis tablet was discovered in my front jeans pocket covered in lint. "Oho-ahhh!", cried the eager pocket pirate as he showed the find to his stern faced colleagues. I quickly began to explain in perfect Thai that this was not a controlled substance and I had acquired it from my pharmacist down the street. I was making all sorts of strange gestures to my crotch and talking about sex when the big cop cut me off with a smile and said "Viagra!", to which everyone laughed and the mood lightened somewhat. The next set of questions were much more interesting.

Big cop: So you like Thai girls? How much valium you take for one time?
Lance: Uhh, well it depends if I'm drunk but normally a half tablet works well.
(He uses his fore arm to demonstrate a large phallic object)
Big cop: So it work ok? How long can you go?
Lance: Oh it turns me into a porn star. I can go all day long on 1 tablet or until my girlfriend tells me "jeb, jeb".
5 Cops (in Unison): Oho-ahhh!
Big cop: How much do these cost?
Lance: 4 for 500 baht.
Big cop: Hmm, can it make you bigger or just stronger?
Lance: Both I guess. You should really give it a try, it's just for fun and your wife will be happy too.
5 Cops (in Unison): (giggling and smiling)

We decided to call it a night after a few more well placed jokes. I noticed a few embarrassed smiles but all in all the boys in brown were quite friendly with me and the guy who frisked me told me that all was cool and I could head home. As I'm climbing my condo stairs breathing a sigh of relief, I do a quick inventory check and realize that my half chewed penis pill is no where to be found.

Posted Sep 29, 2004 at 04:45 PM | Permalink |