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Penetrating Penang's Ladyboy Fortress

Posted by Lance Powers

I did a visa run to Penang recently and right after the Tsunami I knew it was going to suck ten times more than usual. And hey that's really a lot of sucks. Not familiar with the island resort of Penang, Malaysia you say? Tropical Penang boasts unspectacular beaches littered in plastic, stinging jelly fish, Al-Qaeda, crappy old hotels, para-sailing, rude angry and aggressive male Malay's, and endless boredom. Oh and virtually no sexy local girls. Nightlife? Nope. Sites and tours? Nada. Sexy massage? Get serious.

There is however one thing that Penang is plentiful in. Nope not tasty fresh durian. I assume it has something to do with Malaysia's readily available supply of cheap Meth but I could be mistaken - regardless this freaking place is crawling with Thai ladyboys. I mean they have gotten into everything. In the night spots I went to (and yes of course they suck too) the katooey's outnumbered the real girls 3 to 1. And they certainly are not here putting on a tsunami relief benefit cabaret.

After discussing this with my private chauffeur (a rik-shaw driver named Benny) a picture slowly begins to emerge:

Lance: Benny what's with all the trannies?
Benny: blah blah blah
Lance: I mean 'Why so many ladyboy?'
Benny: Oh come! I know ladyboy for you! You like ladyboy? Wheee let's go!
Lance: No meathead I am asking why Penang have too many ladyboy? Ladyboy is no good. Ladyboy look like a woman but talk like a man. I no like.
Benny: Yeah ladyboy no good. You be careful. Ladyboy like to take tourist wallet and hand phone. Big problem in Penang. You want girl?

Later on in the evening I get the tip I've been waiting for. A Chinese guy is looking like he is on the verge of a breakdown so I approach him to administer the sympathy that only I can provide. After some pleasantries and whiskeys he tells me that his wallet has been swiped! "Sweet Jesus we have a live one", I tell myself. Without getting too carried away I eventually ascertain the details. "A ladyboy took my wallet last night. I was so drunk and I don't remember much, but I know we were at her apartment. It was a bad place but I was so drunk I don't remember anything. I am sure they drugged me." Hmm, a frightful tale. I quickly decide that we need to investigate the matter fully and bring these thieving bum-darts to justice. It's clear we need a plan so I begin asking myself "what would Magnum do?"

After building up some courage by singing trannie pop hits and slugging back some Tiger beer I decide we should discuss our options with Benny as he is local. My friend is hesitant we can do anything, and a bit embarrassed, but he is game to try and get his wallet back. To our advantage he is also really hammered in that playful 'I dont give a sh*t' sorta way that only the Chinese can pull off. To my amazement Benny immediately knows what to do. He explains that most of the working ladyboys all live in the same complex. He says he can take us there for 7 RM. "Giv'er!", I tell our driver as we barrel away from Slippery Senioritas's at a dizzying 5km/hour. "Benny can't you pedal this thing any faster? Dammit! Where is TC and the copter?!"

A complex was not the word for this place. "My training would indicate these guys have something to do with Al-Qaeda", I tell the group. I didn't notice any camels but it was clearly a fortress complete with barb-wired fencing, a large gate, a mine field, and some mean looking guards. Our driver informs us on the way that this place is known to be frequented by drug addicts, freaks, and other foul ghetto creatures - we need to shift our alert to amber. I see ladyboys everywhere securing the perimeter. One thing was for certain, just from a quick glance you could tell these queers were highly organized. My confidence was quickly sinking as I began to realize that we were being watched from almost every angle. Several episodes of Magnum PI race through my head as I debate with Higgins how we should approach this most delicate situation.

After a quick payoff and some rock-paper-scissors Bennie springs into action and leads the charge. We manage to get inside with Benny doing the talking (in Malay), and as adrenaline starts to overpower the liquor my Asian friend leads us to the room (he thinks) he was robbed in. The hallway is abandoned so I knock politely on the door. "Tap tap tap". None of us have any idea what we will say but I am sure the whiskey will take over at the pivotal moment. What comes to the door is not a man at all but a strangely curious anomaly of skin and cheap make-up. My brain twists and contorts as I stare blankly making a quick biological assessment of its warped components. Before I can even decide if I am turned on, my Chinese friend has rushed in the door and is pulling out the marines on his ass. Bloody Hell! I decide it is best to discreetly watch for back-up and step out into the hall while Jet Lee unleashes his fury. "I got yer back buddy, let him have it!", I bellow. Amazingly after only a few minutes and some pathetic squealing the wallet is returned minus the cash. Foreign infidels 1, surgically altered freaks 0.

Luckily this was my last night in Penang and I set off back to Bangkok in the morning after a not-so-American breakfast. I think living in Bangkok has taught me some important things about transvestites I would never have known growing up in Canada, where most TV's are forced to hide in the backs of scary downtown theme bars. Certainly it goes without saying that 90% of the ladyboys I have met are completely agreeable people who unfortunately seem to have an unusual sexual dilemma. However it is fairly well known that many ladyboys who make their living at night in the big city, are quite dangerous and often professional thieves. This is old news in Bangkok and is almost an epidemic.

I myself have been robbed by a couple of these scumballs right on the street over the years. The first time it happened I was ashamed for weeks that I didn't powerslam the bastard and redeem my manhood by urinating somewhere near the scene. I couldn't even talk about it and almost considered therapy. The second time I caught the bitch red handed and said to myself "Wait a minute, this is a dude in a dress!", and I prompty Kung Fu'ed his silicone ass allover soi Nana. If you are the victim of a devious girlyman I suggest you not hesitate and do the same. Magnum would.

Posted Jan 14, 2005 at 06:07 AM | Permalink |

Comments

I am going to post that photo and the story at my blog, but want to make sure that is OK with you guys. And Hello! Phil!

Carl Parkes

Posted by Carl Parkes on January 14, 2005 06:07 AM

Sure go ahead. The more people who know about the Penang katooey problem the better. Alert the Malaysian tourist dept! Oh wait they surely don't give a sh*t. *cough*

Posted by Lance Powers on January 14, 2005 06:53 AM

there is a benefit concert for survivors on the internet now at cbc.ca (CANADA) right now it is 7:30 p.m eastern time thursday evening

Posted by Tracy on January 14, 2005 07:38 AM

Hey Tracy, you're posting in the wrong thread. This is a fucked up ladyboy thread, not a Tsunami benefit one... Eh.

Posted by Bento Box on January 14, 2005 09:51 AM

Nice, lovely heart warming story that one.

I shall endeavour to pass the story on to all my travelling brothers throughout the English nation and beyond.

The world needs to know this shit. I've never been to Penang and, I'm not going now.....!!!!!
Lady boys used to annoy the hell out of me 8 years ago in Samui, they don't seem to be there anymore. All gone to Penang by the sounds of it.....!!!!!
redrus

Posted by redrus on January 14, 2005 07:19 PM

Nice once, Lance and your usual top comedy form. I shall be sharing this with a few close friends. Arf, arf.

In the meantime, you forgot the warning that these "dudettes" are typically armed with hormone pill-induced emotional rages, tab-induced further emotional rages , and..... blades which they rarely hesitate to use. Unless I'm the driver of a secure, hopefully armoured vehicle weighing at least 2 tons, I give the plasto-girls a wide berth.

Posted by Nick on January 20, 2005 01:18 PM

haha..no one goes to penang for the beaches/nightlife/durians/ladyboys (it's mak nyah in Malay) as far i know of. Some say it's the food, but noooo. The only reason to go to penang is to take trains/planes/buses somewhere else (bkk/langkawi/samui). Unless you knew rude angry aggresive Malays I doubt you'd see the real Penang.

Posted by pk on May 20, 2005 11:08 AM

You should be careful some ladyboy in this area no good, want steal a lot, not all ladyboy same though.

Posted by http://www.katoey-blog.com on November 4, 2006 12:21 AM

I was in dec. 2006 on Penang and didn't see any of ladyboys there. Only one ugly prostitution from Chulia st. claimed she's a ladyboy :)

Posted by Paul on April 27, 2007 06:30 PM

Ever see Stupid White Woman running the bar Soho just up the road from where the ladyboys lived? That was me. Ohhhh yes. I lived in Penang for the best part of 6 years... And spent one of them looking after a load of ladyboys. They were my fellas. I loved them so.

Posted by Fi on June 6, 2007 06:12 AM

Posted by Fi on June 6, 2007 06:13 AM

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Penetrating Penang's Ladyboy Fortress

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