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Fear & Loathing in Cambodia

Posted by Lance Powers

I finally found my passport mysteriously secured inside a brown manilla envelope labebled 'do not open until July 14th'. I assume I had stashed it there in some kind of depraved sangsom induced manic episode, and breath a sigh of relief. My pleasure quickly turns to fear as I realize that every page of the treasured document is covered in Visa stickers and stamps from various 3rd world countries, with the last stamp expiring, ya you guessed it, July 14th. The manilla envelope and my sick equation of procastination = sabai dee quickly becomes apparent.

Screwed like Gary Coleman in a Tennessee jailhouse? Hell no sucker. I quickly realize the adhesive on the Cambodian tourist Visa sticker is made from human fat. 'This will be a cinch' I tell myself in a brief 80's induced flashback as I set the kettle boiling and prepare for the ever so delicate operation.' As it turns out it peels off faster than Kit in the pilot episode of Knight Rider.

If you do not like to play blackjack a trip to Poipet and the aptly named Holiday Palace is going to be a real sucky trip. Nothing is worse than leaving this whitewashed monstrosity minus $1000 US with 20 screaming 5 year olds repeating '1 baht' as many times as they possibly can. Luckily I have very little common sense and have some fairly debaucherous friends in Alanyaprathet who are real Baccarat fans so I decide to make it a pleasure trip. A quick phone call emits squeals of glee from Bun as he realizes lunch, dinner, and a narco fueled party are gonna be on me. I tell him to make sure there is plenty of bogies so we are not squabling over scraps. As a bonus my friend is right palsy with the border people so when they see my butchered passport there should be no questions that I am in fact just a well travelled tourist who really really digs the Kingdom. I will throw on my 'same same but different' t-shirt and counterfeit Camel shorts with 90 baht Ray Ban's to complete the effect.

If all goes well I should be able to turn 20K into well maybe 3K and do a night of 'Im the only white guy who has ever partied this hard here' type of stuff in the Alanya disco with Bun. If all goes bad and the foly is realized I guess Cambo is not such a bad place to make a home out of and raise a family. If I can just keep my kids away from Garry Glitter I should be okay.

Wish me luck.

Posted Jul 15, 2004 at 09:57 AM | Permalink |