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Dick Valiant: Professional Bangkok Manwhore

Posted by Lance Powers

Got a penile implant and don't know what to do with it? Recently a friend of mine was faced with the problem of employment in Bangkok and came to me explaining he would have to go back to Canada unless he could secure an income. Growing tired of his constant whining for baht's and other favors I quite un-candidly suggested he call up one of the local male escort agencies and inquire about openings. Five minutes later we are on the phone with Mr. Ricki from 'Supermen' discussing my friend's qualifications and experience in great detail. It went something like this:

(after some brief introductions we are patched through to Mr. Ricki who speaks in a thick Indian accent.)

Dick Valiant: Good day Sir. This is Dick Valiant and I am interested in working with your organization as soon as possible. My unit is equipped with a halogen implant.
Mr. Ricki: Your unit...Uhm, well tell me sir do you have experience working as a male escort.
Dick Valiant: yes I do, I have also made some investments on my member that I think upon further inspection you might truly appreciate.
Mr. Ricki: I'm sorry I don't understand. A member sent you to contact me? What's his name?
Dick Valiant: His name is Mr. Dick Valiant and I have constructed several outfits for him like a cape and spiked helmet. It drives elderly Asian women mad I assure you.
Mr. Ricki: Ummm ok then Mr. Dick. Sounds interesting. Uhhh can you work straight or gay? Are you gay?
Dick Valiant: I can do it all my man. If you want me to pack some chocolate I can do that but most of my experience is with the ladies. I'm also going to need my own security detail as problems have arisen when I am into the whiskey.
Mr. Ricki: We don't like it when our employees drink too much on the job.
Dick Valiant: In that case will I be able to expense my valium/viagra milk shakes?
Mr. Ricki: Milk shakes. Hahaha milk shake better than whiskey. Ok Mr. Dick let us meet tomorrow and we can discuss further.
(a date with Mr. Ricki is arranged)

Unfortunately I did not attend the meeting with Mr. Ricki but my friend was hired virtually on the spot. He got his first and only call that night while hanging at my condo, here is how it went down according to him in his own words.

So I arrive at the Sheraton on Sukhumvit and nervously ride the lift to meet my financial freedom. I am told my client is 30 something so I am expecting to see a well aged wealthy Thai lady answer the door in a sexy black Victoria Secret nighty. To my extreme horror I am greeted by a 250lb Australian beached whale with a Hienekin and running mascara. "Uhhh looking for some company", I stammer. She's been crying and starts blubbering about some boyfriend from England who left her for a Thai hooker. I quickly assume the role of the consoling big brother and feign interest, but my plan is soon foiled as she begins to hungrily paw at my Viagra enhanced package. I decide there is no escape and quickly blurt out "Hey listen I need to be paid in advance, or this goes nowhere sweetheart". Ms. Piggy doesn't even flinch and quickly hands me 8,000 baht. "There is an extra 2,000 waiting for you if you can go twice", she teases. I tell her we need to take a shower before we begin as I can smell the chicken fried rice and beer she has been scarfing down all day. What followed can only be described as horrendously traumatizing and is something I do not feel comfortable discussing further. Suffice it to say I did not get the extra 2,000 baht and my customer was not 100% satisfied. On the plus side, since I knew this was my first and last customer, I did manage to pilfer her new mobile phone.

As you can see teaching english in Bangkok is clearly not your only option. The big city offers many opportunities for any eager operative to uncover. Although manwhoring may be extreme I personally know of one well groomed Italian who is currently being well taken care of by his elderly Thai sweetheart. Who says Isaan country girls get to have all the fun?

Posted Oct 02, 2004 at 02:19 PM | Permalink |