«Rummy Anyone? | Main | Revenge of the Sith Review »

The Greatest Phallusy in Horse Racing

Posted by Rick Salasar

In the last few days, there have been reports in the news about racehorses in Italy being doped with performance enhancing drugs, including Viagra.

Leaving aside the obvious worries for the safety of the grooms or questions about whether all parts of these horses are measured in "hands", it seems to me that increasing a stallion's drag coefficient ain't exactly the way to get him around a track quicker. I'm not talking about the literal night"mare" created by feeding Viagra to a stallion in drag.

No doubt, somebody out there got their PhD in Mechanical Engineering based on a doctorate that goes a little sumpin like this:

"Fluid Dynamics and Erect Phallus Effect on Equine Cd." It is proposed that there may be a difference in the drag coefficient and hence top-speed of a galloping horse accorded to the arousal of said horse. For the purposes of this study, it should be noted that no gelding has been included. It should also be noted that any reference to the horse's "horn" follows the traditional language of equine pursuits and refers to the insensitive outer part of the hoof. Similarly, "mount" is taken to mean "Getting up onto the horse. You can mount from the ground, a mounting block, or by getting a knee-up." We have precluded any pornographic connotations for the purposes of this paper (though they generated plenty of laughs, let me tell you!). Being a study of fluid dynamics, this paper excludes any data generated by the distance between the ground (turf) and said phallous being less than zero.....

Have you ever seen a stallion with a stiffy and lived to tell the tale? There simply must be more wind drag on a racehorse that needs to "punch" such a noticeably larger hole in the air.

This reminds me of the time I was waiting with a fine young filly (the human kind, not the equine) for a group of friends to return from a country outing on horseback. I saw her eyes grow wide, her cheeks flush and a mixed look of bemusement, consideration, shock and terror develop on her face as the stallion in the pen next to where we stood developed rather impressive penile evidence of his sexual arousal.

I asked her if she knew what was this breed of horse that appeared to be auditioning for a pornographic film? She said no and asked me what it was.

"A Must-hang, of course!"

I'm not sure if she laughed at me or with me.

Posted May 19, 2005 at 01:19 PM | Permalink |