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Big Fat Sloppy White Girls
Posted by Lance Powers
Once in a blue moon I get the urge. What would it be like I ponder, to get back into a nice big snuggly tubby girl for an evening for some good old fashioned pigs in a blanket. Maybe from some inbred Slovak country or even Canada for that matter. The blonder, paler and hungrier the better. 'Well it would be good fun!', I tell myself so I arrange for a group of my better looking agents to accompany me to go hogging. 'Where you want to try pulling for butter tarts', they ask me. 'Pffft...Khao San Road', I explain, 'Where else'?
None of my friends like to hit Khao San Road, so it's like pulling teeth to even get them there. Some Sangsom and the false promise of abnormally sexy suntanned white girls from back home cures this indecision as per usual. As we hit Hippie Street we decide Khao San Center is as good a place to begin as any. This popular bar has great food, plenty of well priced drinks, tons of people at all hours of the day and evening and a decent Irish style pub upstairs with a live band. It also attracts plenty of big fat sloppy white girls on the pull, who enjoy the good cheap Thai food they have on offer. It's a bit like baiting a bear and taking aim. As some options begin to surface my companions start to squirm and look uncomfortable. Some more whiskey quickly eases their concerns and we begin to divvy up the spoils.
I tend to avoid BFWG's from the UK or Australia but in this case 2 out of 3 of them looked not too bad. Well not bad if you are really horny for some white meat, but obviously not that good compared to 90% of the local girls. Casting that aside, I quickly latched onto the better looking of the three and proceeded to charm her with the usual shit that young tourist girls want to talk about: The Full Moon Party, The best places to buy knockoff jeans and cool t-shirts, and my complete disdain and contempt for male farangs who cohort with whores. This last one is delicate and requires some clever social engineering to come off properly. As usual, combined with some whiskey and shooters, everything goes off without a hitch and we prepare to take this party on the road to somewhere I can operate more smoothly. They are only too eager to get out of KS Road to explore the cities nightspots with 3 seasoned Bangkok veterans.
(Taxi conversation)
Lance: So how long you girls been in town?
BFWG1: 3 days. I've just been hanging around Khao San and checking out the temples with my mates. Today we saw the Green Buddha and Wat Arun, and tomorrow we go shopping at some place called MBK.
Lance: I see. I really do miss being able to talk with other English people. I am so lucky to hook up with you guys. What say we get right pissed and see some really cool stuff? I know a place I think you will really enjoy.
BFWG1: Wow, sounds great to me I reckon.
Lance: Reck-what? Ya never mind, let's giv'er!
We figure Ratchada is a good place to start and Dance Fever a good venue as these guys would not find it if it was 2km's from KSR. We explain that this is a place for Thai's to party down and that they are about to see something really special. Now it is key to point at that taking your busty farang girls to a place filled with Thai guys always gets the right kind of attention. You should be constantly being approached by creepy local guys wanting their chance at copping a feel of that giant white ass. This only works to your absolute advantage and by closing time your BFWG will be frustrated and begging for some sausage. After a night of marathon drinking and lots of flirting, my 65kg love bunny is practically raping me in public. I decide that my condo will only make her adore me all the more so a good short time hotel will nicely set the mood I am going for.
PB Mansion in Nana pops into my head by some divine intervention. Surely my horny hippo would appreciate the unspoken sweetness that only a f*ck chair and 3 porn channels can bring. The circle shaped bed and mirrors on every surface are clearly making my intentions known with my new friend and to my horror she proceeds to get right to work without even considering a shower. Now having nailed more than my share of BFWG's in Canada, I know full well the stench some of these beauties will acquire from a night of dry heaving me on the dance floor. I toss her saggy ass in the shower so I can proceed to get on with the dirty business that only a man truly famished for some thick stock white bread can fully understand.
As we finish up and exchange emails along with promises to meet up again 'real soon', I come again to the realization I had several years ago concerning my sisters back home: You're just not sexy enough for me. For some reason I forget this from time to time and need a not so gentle reminder. As I contemplate the selfish and egotistical nature of this thought I begin to thumb through my mobile phone to see if any of my 3rd string girls are still awake and looking to coddle me at this late hour. The fact that the first girl I call is only too happy to see me immediately only confirms that I am indeed in love with this country.
Posted Oct 11, 2004 at 11:59 AM | Permalink |
Comments
oh man I have so done this! lance you are truly speaking the truth brotha. i see you get a lot of flack around here for telling it like it is...keep it up!
Posted by jamaica_dude on October 12, 2004 04:45 PM
Lance my boy your rantings are getting more pathetic and depraved with every new day. I think you have a lot of sexual issues to deal with honey, and posting them on this website is maybe one of your coping mechanisms. Whatever works I guess ;)
Seriously though I hate to admit it but your stories are amusing. Several of my male friends here at work anxiously check your website to see what depraved situation you have rigged up next.
Can we see a story about how pathetic farang male expats behave soon?
Posted by sarah_j on October 12, 2004 05:00 PM
'Can we see a story about how pathetic farang male expats behave soon?'
Reference: Farang Species Overview @ http://www.planetbangkok.com/archives/2004/08/farang_species.html
Actually most of my articles display very clear pathetic farang male behavior Sarah. You can use me as a model. Anyways you seem to be my only female commenter so I had better keep you happy ;)
Thanks for your comments.
Posted by Lance Powers on October 12, 2004 06:22 PM
Wow Lance if you were looking for more female readers I think you may have just blown it pal. Funny read all the same as it is mostly quite accurate unfortunatly ;)
Posted by Vince on October 13, 2004 07:16 AM
huh
Posted by ae on December 9, 2004 03:03 PM
Urk
Tis true
Many falang girls are fat and overweight,also loud and crass.
Its easy to tell the english slappers on the beach in bondi,they are the fattest,and loudest.
Posted by snoophound on December 28, 2004 01:00 AM
I have to agree that your stories are very amusing, but you need to grow up and face life.
Reality.
You will not be in your 20's all your life, and IF you live to an age past 30, you will, I promise, regret your actions toward women in general, and not just those of us who are different and blessed in more ways than one~!
Posted by buns of steel on December 30, 2004 10:38 PM
...Not sure what you mean really. None of my female friends have ever commented I treat women crudely. Don't read too much into my stories. It's really just potty humour at its worst. Sorry if you were offended ;)
Posted by Lance Powers on December 30, 2004 10:55 PM
I stumbled onto your site when looking at stuff about the tsunami. I have cracked up this evening reading some of these other stories and of your escapades. I am an overweight white chick in the Grand Old USA. I don't take offense to your terminology, I have been sitting here laughing all the while reading this.
Posted by cuddlegirl on December 31, 2004 11:23 AM
Wow someone finally enjoyed one of my articles! Thanks alot cuddlegirl, I'm glad you got a laugh out of this as that is what it is intended for. Rock on.
Posted by Lance Powers on December 31, 2004 01:09 PM
Lance, just hooked on to this site after reading Mango for the first time last week. Been meaning to do that for a long time just never got the chance. Now I sit at a computer all day and call it work so I've ample oportunity.
Funny, best way to describe this. I spent 4 months in South Thailand some 7 years ago and have been back to Thailand many times since and, as I get older always liking Bkk more and more. I see what you mean about the girls. Observing is a past time that you must enjoy if you're a western man and want to enjoy Bkk.
Keep the funny stuff coming mate and, maybe in the future you can inspire me to do the same.....!
redrus
Posted by rus on January 11, 2005 12:14 AM
I come to thailand 3-4 times a year for business, I have some of my own pet names for what you call "BFWG" such as "girlzillas" and "FWPB" (fat white pasty bitches) so after having one of the best belly aching laughs of the week...I will come back for more stories...thanks a ton!
Posted by in-and-out on January 11, 2005 09:47 AM
Oh, Lance, Lance, where to start? I'm not offended or upset by any of your story, but I do feel sorry for you. It seems to be only men, for some reason, who are capable of this depth of self-delusion. You don't post a photo of yourself - you don't need to. Only a man so inadequate that he actually has to go to a foreign country for sex writes this sort of crap. Don't kid yourself that any of these Thai hookers are your " girlfriends".
Loser.
And before you inevitably raise it, even though it's entirely irrelevant, I am in fact neither fat nor ugly, just way out of the league of a creep like you.
Posted by cherryT on March 6, 2008 11:30 AM
Oh, Lance, Lance, where to start? I'm not offended or upset by any of your story, but I do feel sorry for you. It seems to be only men, for some reason, who are capable of this depth of self-delusion. You don't post a photo of yourself - you don't need to. Only a man so inadequate that he actually has to go to a foreign country for sex writes this sort of crap. Don't kid yourself that any of these Thai hookers are your " girlfriends".
Loser.
And before you inevitably raise it, even though it's entirely irrelevant, I am in fact neither fat nor ugly, just way out of the league of a creep like you.
Posted by cherryT on March 6, 2008 11:32 AM
This article rocks! Well spoken, man. As a Canadian that has had the fortune to visit Thailand a couple of times now, I too can attest to the repulsiveness of the BFWG. I applaud your courage. Especially in the presence of so many gorgeous and from my experience, mellow, genuine Thai women.
Cherry, you are confused my dear. Thai gals love the farang, no money involved. A 'hooker' is a hooker and a 'girlfriend' is nothing of the sort. Judging from Lance's articulation and wit, he is more than capable of distinguishing the two. Tell me, does your boyfriend call you his 'girlfriend' or perhaps something different...
If North American/UK gals could learn to lay off the KFC and use the stairs at times other than during the panic of a fire alarm, this story would be a pipe dream. But it's not.
Great read.
Posted by AceBoogie on April 12, 2008 11:15 AM
dfgyj
Posted by robert on May 3, 2008 06:04 PM