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Time for a Swiss Army Knife Pull-out Bogroll?

Posted by Rick Salasar

We've covered four of the prime directives:
1. Don't listen to farang in Thailand
2. How to find out if your honey loves you, your money, or your passport.
3. The most powerful people in most countries are not the normal police, ok?
4. Soi Survival - stay alive, clean and feces-free.

Rule number five continues in, um, the same vein: crap.

This rule pretty much applies everywhere but especially more so in THE FOREIGN COUNTRY: always carry spare tissue paper.

Let me say that again. ALWAYS CARRY SPARE TISSUE PAPER.

Unless you enjoy a dirty bum, that is. No, not George "Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk" Bush, I mean your own bottom, child.

Of course, in Thailand, you can often end up with a wet AND dirty bum. Again, I'm not talking about Dubya meets Songkran. Thais usually have some method of applying water to the behind, be it a bucket of water and a small bowl or a high-pressure water hose but unless you like to wander around with a wet behind, you'll follow Rule Number 5.

I can't remember the exact number, but I think it's the 257th adjunct to Murphy's Law that dictates that you will find yourself in a strange establishment, needing a "sit down" (not the LCN kind), only to feel the cold sweat and sudden chill brought on by that most terrifying of images - THE BARE TOILET ROLL.

Sure, the fates may occasionally grant you the sardonic smile that is the last three sheets still glued to the cardboard roll, and you'll use all the skill and care of a neurosurgeon to peel them off, wad them up and try to "make do" but, let's face it, what you really need is THE EMERGENCY STASH.

Here are the main points of Rule 5:

A. Always carry spare tissue. If you need to travel light, one of those little plastic Kleenex pouches will do. If you have a rucksack or large shoulder bag, chuck a couple rolls of paper in there. No, not fax paper, you dimwit.

B. If you're ever caught out at a Thai restaurant, please notice that they invariably have a roll of toilet paper on the table. Grab a bunch of that stuff before you're too drunk to remember and stick it in your pocket. Trust me on this one.

C. If you've "sat on the toilet" without having followed A or B above and there actually is some toilet paper, now is a great time to re-affirm your new-found Buddhism and thank Lord Buddha for having "got your back".

Besides, toilet paper appears to have all sorts of uses.

yr fthfl srvnt

Rick "Been There, Done That, Threw Away the T-Shirt" Salasar

Posted Apr 19, 2005 at 01:36 PM | Permalink |